People call me all the time asking me, “where are you located” or even first, “how much do you charge?”
Both questions are important. However, the MOST important question often isn’t asked which is “how can you help me”?
The first two questions imply that all therapy is the same and all therapists are the same. This could not be further from the truth.
There are many people in all kinds of professions who use buzz words to describe what they do while, in fact, not doing that manner of work at all.
People call me all the time to ask me: “My husband/wife has been unfaithful. How can I stay in the relationship after such a betrayal? I can never trust my partner again.”
There is definitely a life after infidelity. According to Dr. Frank Pittman (with whom I worked closely for twenty eight years), “Men cheat when they don’t feel man enough.” He goes on to say in both Private Lies and Man Enough, that a man’s infidelity is between himself and his father.” How so, one might say. It is the fault of the marriage.
It has become increasingly difficult to meet people. This is particularly true for the part of the population who is looking for a significant other.
Men and women tell me all the time that they would like to be in a significant relationship. Possibly that they would like to marry and possibly have children. However, society has changed so much that they don’t know how to go about it.
People ask me all the time, “What makes marriage work?” What if I stop loving him/her?
What clearly does NOT make marriage work is believing that one must be in love all the time to make the marriage work. People who believe that love is the key ingredient are romantics, They are in love with love and the minute that they don’t detect the “love” feeling they believe it is time to go–and they do.
Good marriage counseling is about teaching couples how to negotiate in order to accomplish getting their needs met. Teaching good skills for marriage is not about what is right or wrong but about what works!
Marriage Counseling Should Be Balanced!
I have been married for 41 years (that means I was two when I started). I have a live laboratory in my home for knowing what works and what doesn’t. I am always thinking about how to pass along effective means of interacting. The best marriage counseling teaches couples how to talk to each other constructively . The couples therapist is the model for this. The therapy must be what I call ”clean”. That means the therapy needs to demonstrate the skills the therapist is teaching. For example listening with respect means that the therapist does so as well. Hearing what is asked needs to be part of the couples therapy as well. Continue reading