Living in a Stepfamily    Stepfamilies should not try to imitate traditional family models.  In fact, living in a stepfamily is very different from living in a biologically intact family.   To begin with,stepfamilies are born out of loss.  There is either the loss from divorce or the loss through the death of a parent.  Either way, many more personalities are involved.   Parent-child relationships have preceded the new couple relationship.  Because of this, many parents feel that it is a betrayal of the earlier parent-child bond to form a primary relationship with a new partner.  A primary couple relationship, however, is usually critical for the continuing existence of the stepfamily.  So, it is terribly important for the children as well as the adults.   In fact, the gift that the stepfamily gives the stepchildren, is the gift of seeing how a successful family operates.   A strong adult bond protects the children from further loss.  Adults in stepfamilies need to be careful to plan alone time without the kids.   Preserving original relationships is also important and helps children experience less loss at sharing a parent.  So at some times it is important for parents and natural children to spend time together.   It is important to remember that caring relationships take time to develop.  This is against  the grain of the stepfamily which has a tendency to want instant love.   Adults in stepfamilies often want to make up for prior pain and suffering from their previous family.  It causes them to want to move too fast in order to consolidate new relationships.   The expectation of "instant love" between stepparents and stepchildren can lead to many disappointments.  These relationships should develop in a time frame that is comfortable for everyone.   Children usually experience sadness when their original family breaks apart.  This is true for adults as well.  Divorce cuts through every existing relationship that it touches.   It is important to remember that many upsetting behaviors that children act out, are the result of feelings of insecurity and loss.   It is my experience as a family therapist for over twenty-five years, that families can get through ANYTHING if they keep a running dialog going.  It is important to encourage children to talk about what they are experiencing so they don't have to act it out.   It is important for the adults to keep the children advised of changes and to keep the behavior of the adults explained to the children.  The conversation can make things make sense.   Because children are part of two biological parents, there is usu sally a very strong pull to both natural parents.  These divided loyalties often make it difficult for children to relate comfortably to all the parental adults in their lives.   It is quite common to see stepchildren rejecting a stepparent.  This often has nothing to do with the stepparent.  In fact, the warmer and nicer the stepparent, the ore loyalty conflicts may be called up.   The idea is to reassure children that they can love and like everyone. This may be especially difficult, if, as sometimes happens, one parent sees themselves as the victim of the other parent and seeks to punish that parent by using the children as a weapon.  Of course, the people who really pay are the children.  And children of divorce do pay.   Courteous relationships between ex-spouses is terribly important. The better the two original parents can parent the children, the better the children will do.  Otherwise, the children get caught in the middle, take sides, deal with hostile parents, and lose the protected feeling they need to have as children in order to grow into healthy adults.   Stepfamilies are by definition, bringing people together-both adults and children-with different and unshared histories.  The attitudes and rituals that the different personalities in a stepfamily are used to suddenly come into question.  Different members are used to different patterns and though there is no"right" or "wrong", everyone must negotiate and adjust to the blending of a new family.  Here we see the negotiation of different values and preferences that before the stepfamily, did not come into question.   It is difficult to be a stepparent.  The biological parent must be very supportive of the mate in this role.  It is useful if the stepparent can carve out a role that is different from the biological parents.   Discipline is usually not accepted by stepchildren until a friendly relationship has been established (often l8-24 months).  However, adults do need to support each other's authority in the household.   It is considered better if the biological parent maintains the role of disciplinarian.  If the stepparent has a request--something the stepchildren should do OR refrain from ding, it is best to take that request to the biological parent for transmission to the stepchildren.  It is also considered better if these requests are not numerous.   It is also important for the biological parent to transfer power to the stepparent when the biological parent is absent.  That is,it is explained to the stepchildren that in the absence of the biological parent, the stepparent is in charge and is to report to the biological parent any problems that come up.  It is useful if the biological parent is reachable by phone if necessary.   Integrating a stepfamily that contains teenagers can be especially difficult.  This is an age when adolescents are moving away from home at a time when the stepfamily wants to "come together."   In single parent families, teenagers have often been "substituting" for the absent parent.  With remarriage, the teen is asked to step back into a "child"s" role.  It may be an impossible request.  Again, the conversation about the changes and acknowledgment of the discomfort is crucial to everyone's adjustment.   Further, the older the child, the more of a previous history he or she has.They particularly appreciate being a part of family negotiations.  However, the may also withdraw from everyone as they mourn the loss of a former way of life.   Children who visit may feel strange and as outsiders.  It is important to give them a place in the house that is their own. It may help to have them bring a friend with them to visit.   They should be included in stepfamily projects and cores.  Knowing what is planned ahead of Time before the visit can also enhance comfort.   Sexuality is a big issue in stpfamilies.  Sex is more in the atmosphere in stepfamilies because of the new couple relationship and because children are suddenly living with children with whom they have not grown up.   It is important for the children to get affection and to see tenderness between the adult couple, but it is also important for the couple to minimize to some extent the sexual aspects of the household and to help the children understand and accept their sexual attractions to one another or to the adults.   Last, it is important to remember that things change and that children do grow up.  Keeping even minimal contact between adults and children can lead to future satisfaction since time and maturity do bring changes.  As children grow up, they usually feel less dependent on the adults around them.  The divided loyalties hopefully recede, and the relationships that were difficult when children were younger, can improve.  This is particularly true when everyone can let their good  intent show even if the accompanying behaviors were rejected.