3 Major Issues of Stepfamilies As second marriages increase, so do stepfamilies.  Stepfamilies can be complicated places in which to live but you can make a success of your stepfamily if you understand the inherent problems of the situation and keep your expectations in line.                                  3 Major Issues of Stepfamilies                                                                              Money   There are three major issues in stepfamilies.  The first is money..  Because money  symbolizes power and success, in can be used to control an ex-spouse.  Added to the usual stress on finances caused by divorce and the need to support 2 homes, a second marriage can burden everyone involved.  When additional demands are added to a fixed income, there is less for everyone. The stepfamily generally has less operating money because of the need to support two families.  The stresses of not enough money and money going to first families can create problems in the stepfamily.  Remarriage means that the principles must align their expectations to include fewer resources.                                         Ex-Spouses   There are many weapons an ex-spouse can use to wreak havoc with a subsequent marriage.The ex-wife or husband who won't let go is still emotionally involved with the ex-spouse and often uses the children, guilt, and money to eat down the ex-spouse.  Often they are obsessed with feelings of having been mistreated during the marriage and can't bear the fact that an ex-spouse would leave them.  Hassling over how the ex-spouse is dealing with the children, denying visitation rights or support keeps them involved in the old relationship and becomes a route for anger.  The idea may be to make the ex-spouse's marriage as uncomfortable as possible with constant interference and it is important for you to set boundaries so that that can't happen.   How to do this? With firmness and the avoidance of guilt.It is important to stay in the here and now-be as good a parent as you can be-and stay focused on what is needed to make THIS family work now.                                       CHILDREN   Stepchildren can and often DO break up marriages.  All children know how to aggravate adults and can make life really miserable.  If, again, you allow guilt and the fear of losing a child's acceptance of you to rule you, you lose the battle.Instead, you need to act firmly, warmly and patiently, and the child's respect usually follows eventually.                         Treating the problems     So, if you are the biological parent, you  must continue to parent your biological children.  If you are the stepparent, you must move slowly, not expect instant love from your stepchildren, and build a relationship before attempting any discipline.   If you are the stepparent, don't become an expert on how the biological parent should discipline.  Don't come in seeking changes.  Enjoy your stepchildren and continue with your biological children as you have in the past.   Use the family meeting to bring everyone together.  Foster the in-put of opinions from the children while maintaining the executive decision-making power that parents keep.  Make sure that you and the biological parent take turns spending time with each child--biological and step and then family time as well.   Remember that this marriage is because you and your partner wanted it.  You got married because YOU wanted to spend the rest of your lives together.  The children will grow up and leave home and hopefully, the two of you will be left to enjoy the rest of your lives.  Stay focused on what is good for the children while you make time for each other as well.   Be resourceful if money is tight.  This should get better as the children grow up.   Did you know?  The gift that the stepfamily gives the children is the gift of living in a family that works.