Anxiety as Relates to Speaking Up for Oneself

 

 

For some people, asserting themselves is very difficult.  They have learned early on that it is dangerous to ask for anything or explain how they think or feel.  This can happen when, as children, they were punished for speaking up.  It can also happen if the household in which they grew up taught them that they must never hurt anyone's feelings by speaking about things that mattered.

 

Such households can be very superficial places in which to live.  The family members go around carefully not touching on any subjects that may arouse any conflict.  They may, conversely, contain so much conflict that the children grow up to avoid it.  Such conflict sounds noisy and hurtful and does not carry the characteristic of problem-resolve with it.

 

You can learn to speak up politely, firmly, and respectfully if this is not a skill you currently have.

 

                         The nature of anxiety as Relates to Fear of Assertion

 

Not acting assertively gives rise to anxiety about future situations, which in turn makes it harder to speak up.  The idea of becoming more able to explain yourself to others with less anxiety is based on the idea that behavior must change before feeling can change. 

 

This premise holds true for all situations in which feeling blocks action.  Many people wait for feelings to Change before behavior can change.  In fact, it works the opposite way.

 

Therefore, it is necessary to learn to tell people what we want them to know in order to 'feel" More confident and have better self-esteem.

 

                                 What To Do

 

We cannot avoid anxiety completely, but we can confront it and take risks and when things turn out for the better it makes it easier to repeat the behavior the next time.  Our confidence increases.  We begin to see that our fears learned as children may have been accurate at home but the "territory" has now changed and our internal "map" must change as well.

 

Since anxiety is a generalized fear, focusing on a specific situation and planning how to handle it by speaking up for ourselves is where we start.  We then picture ourselves successfully handling the situation.  We think about what we will say.  We imagine the responses from the other person, and we come up with a response for each imagined response we predict.

 

Also, by reminding yourself of the benefits of speaking up ("I would appreciate some help around the house.  Could you help by emptying the dishwasher?"  To: This dress was stained when I bought it and I need to return it to you.  Have you another in my size?") you

will most likely help your own motivation to do so.    "If I don't tell my husband what is bothering me I just build resentment and it affects our relationship negatively".

 

After having the conversation that you may dread, reward yourself by taking a few minutes to do something that you enjoy like reading the paper or taking a walk.

 

If all of this makes you tense, practice some Yoga or relaxation exercises to help you think more clearly regarding what you want to say and how you want to say it.

 

Did you Know?  Anxiety uses up the serotonin in your brain.  This is the brain hormone that allows you to feel pleasure.  Therefore, increased anxiety also creates depression. Treat the anxiety with exercise and by doing the things that you fear that are reasonable to do and the rewards should be great..