|
Anxiety as Relates to Speaking Up for Oneself
For some people, asserting themselves is very difficult. They have
learned early on that it is dangerous to ask for anything or explain
how they think or feel. This can happen when, as children, they
were punished for speaking up. It can also happen if the household
in which they grew up taught them that they must never hurt anyone's
feelings by speaking about things that mattered.
Such households can be very superficial places in which to live.
The family members go around carefully not touching on any subjects
that may arouse any conflict. They may, conversely, contain so much
conflict that the children grow up to avoid it. Such conflict
sounds noisy and hurtful and does not carry the characteristic of
problem-resolve with it.
You can learn to speak up politely, firmly, and respectfully if this
is not a skill you currently have.
The nature of anxiety as Relates to Fear of
Assertion
Not acting assertively gives rise to anxiety about future
situations, which in turn makes it harder to speak up. The idea of
becoming more able to explain yourself to others with less anxiety
is based on the idea that behavior must change before feeling can
change.
This premise holds true for all situations in which feeling blocks
action. Many people wait for feelings to Change before behavior can
change. In fact, it works the opposite way.
Therefore, it is necessary to learn to tell people what we want them
to know in order to 'feel" More confident and have better
self-esteem.
What To Do
We cannot avoid anxiety completely, but we can confront it and take
risks and when things turn out for the better it makes it easier to
repeat the behavior the next time. Our confidence increases. We
begin to see that our fears learned as children may have been
accurate at home but the "territory" has now changed and our
internal "map" must change as well.
Since anxiety is a generalized fear, focusing on a specific
situation and planning how to handle it by speaking up for ourselves
is where we start. We then picture ourselves successfully handling
the situation. We think about what we will say. We imagine the
responses from the other person, and we come up with a response for
each imagined response we predict.
Also, by reminding yourself of the benefits of speaking up ("I would
appreciate some help around the house. Could you help by emptying
the dishwasher?" To: This dress was stained when I bought it and I
need to return it to you. Have you another in my size?") you
will most likely help your own motivation to do so. "If I don't
tell my husband what is bothering me I just build resentment and it
affects our relationship negatively".
After having the conversation that you may dread, reward yourself by
taking a few minutes to do something that you enjoy like reading the
paper or taking a walk.
If all of this makes you tense, practice some Yoga or relaxation
exercises to help you think more clearly regarding what you want to
say and how you want to say it.
Did you Know? Anxiety uses up the serotonin in your brain. This is
the brain hormone that allows you to feel pleasure. Therefore,
increased anxiety also creates depression. Treat the anxiety with
exercise and by doing the things that you fear that are reasonable
to do and the rewards should be great..
|