l) There is the Right person out there for everyone.
(no-marriage is based on a skill set between two
people. Arranged marriages work
well when the partners practice the skills of good
marriages.)
2) He or She should know what I want without being told.
(No one that I know can read minds. We need to ask for
what we want as politely
as possible.)
3) If I have to ask for what I want, it isn't worth having.
(see above. This is a romantic idea guaranteed to drive a
partner crazy.)
4) Sex should always be wonderful.
(good sexual communication in marriage takes as long to
develop as good
verbal communication. Sex needs to be negotiated just
like dining out-people
don't always feel hungry at the same time or want to eat
the same food.)
5) We should only have sex if we both feel like it.
(Sex is a negotiation. People may decide to have it as
often as the one with the
higher drive wants it in the manner that the one with the
lower drive wants to do it.)
6) I shouldn't share thoughts or feelings that would upset my
partner.
(False. Share them. However, share them politely and
humanely. To do otherwise
is apt to build resentments that may even hurt health.)
7) If my partner knew all about me he or she wouldn't love me.
(This is a more common fear for men than for women and
comes from the terrific
masculinity training by the other boys in
adolescence-that anything vulnerable was
severely punished. Many men fear vulnerability while
women crave it.)
8) I should only have to ask for something one time. If my
partner can't remember, then
I am not loved.
(We all need reminders. Marriages have certain basic
issues that continue to pop up l
like gophers on a golf course. Sometimes we do things
that have bothered our
partner because we think the issue is no longer
bothersome. A gentle reminder
should suffice.)
9) "I" or "my spouse" is "just like that" and can't change.
(False. We are made up behaviors and behaviors are
changeable.)
l0) "Bad" habits and "good" habits are in the genes. they are
permanent.
(False. Temperament may exist genetically but what we
do with what we feel is a
decision.)
ll) My spouse and I can't communicate.
(We ALL communicate-either with behavior or words. What
matters is that our
words and behavior be together. What we don't say, we
end to act out. It is better
to explain our emotion than to demonstrate it.)
l2) Nagging is bad.
When nagging stops, the nagger has given up. This is
bad for the relationship.
A better question might be "why does the nagger have to
keep asking for the same
thing? What keeps the person who is being "nagged"
from doing as asked?
That would be the object of the conversation.)
l3) There is safety in secrecy.
(False. Secrecy is a form of lying which breaks
intimacy bonds. The people who
know the secret are in a bond with the people who don't
know on the outside.)
l4) People should do what they feel like doing.
(Maybe-sometimes--if they are all alone or have asked
others and no one minds.
However, we all need to consider how we affect others
before making such
decisions.)
l5) It is important that you NOT do too much that your spouse
asks to make sure
that your partner doesn't get control of the relationship.
The marriage needs to be a balance with everyone giving
and receiving. People who
feel important tend to ask LESS.We make others feel
important in part, by doing as
they ask. If you fear control by your partner you remain
cautious which prevents
partners from getting all the way "into" their
relationships. Further, if you want your
partner to do as you ask, you need to be the role model
for what you are trying to get.
l6) In a good marriage, the ecstatic wonder from courtship
prevails through the life of the
marriage.
(This is called infatuation. It generally lasts not more
than a year. It is replaced with a
deepening friendship. Some people panic when the
infatuation fades. They think
that the "love" is over and they go on to find new
partners and serial marriages).
l7) When one partner has an affair, it is because the other
partner has disappointed them
in the marriage.
(False. The decision to have an affair is an independent
decision. Affairs happen for
many reasons but they are related to the person
committing the affair. Infidelity
is found in good marriages as well.)
l8) Some lying is necessary in any marriage.
(False. Lying breaks the intimacy bond and causes the
person lying to avoid the
person receiving the lie.)
l9) If my partner really loved me, he or she would never
fantasize about anyone else.
People fantasize about many things--it is important to act
the fantasies out with the
marital partner. Some people like to share their fantasies
and some not. This is a
personal decision.)
20) Some people just can't be faithful.
(Fidelity is a decision that some people can't make.
They are better off single.)
2l) Infidelity only occurs in bad marriages.
(Some people-many men-can't take the intimacy of good
marriage. When the
intimacy gets too high they may go outside the marriage.
The vulnerability of
intimacy causes some men to feel more imperfect than they
can tolerate. Finding
a relationship in which the woman idolizes him, may make
some men feel safer.Even
though it is relatively short-lived as imperfections
eventually show up for all of us.)
22) Sometimes infidelity is good for marriage.
(It breaks the intimacy with the lie and causes the
partner who is lying to avoid the
spouse. It sets a poor model for the children in terms
of trust.
23) Affairs are about being sexual.
(I do not see this in the infidelity that I treat. the
affair is a friendship--there is little
sex. Women tend to have affairs out of anger and men out
of foolish decision-making
The men I see decide that they won't be caught or don't
attend to the possible
consequences at all.)
24) It is the man's job to make sure that things go well for
his family.
(This is a conclusion brought about by old-fashioned
masculinity training. It is a
partnership and a DUAL responsibility with the children
included as they mature
and assume accountability.)
25) If you and your partner disagree, it is important to
establish who is right and who is
wrong.
(It is IMPOSSIBLE to be "right" and married at the same
time. That makes
someone the saint and someone the jerk. People need to
fight to find out
what they are doing wrong. Then negotiate a change.)
26) A really good husband never turns his wife down abut
anything.
(It is fine to say "no". It is important to do so
clearly and up front and to
attempt to negotiate some kind of compromise.)
27) A really good husband can solve the problems of his wife
and children.
(Again, old fashioned masculinity training. It is
important for the wife to know that her
husband would LIKE to do that but it is impossible and
too much burden
for him to try. This may account for a man's aggression
when confronted with
a problem he THINKS he should solve and can't).
28) My children can learn from what I tell them regardless of
what I do.
(Children copy what they see. Model what you want your
children to learn.)
29) I shouldn't have to explain my reasoning to anyone. People
should just know that
I am right and do what I say..
(False. We all need to explain our intent and the
experience of being us at
the moment.)
30) Women are usually the emotional watchkeepers of the family.
(True. This is because of their emotional training that
many men miss.)
3l) It is all right for parents to disagree about what is
good for children. Just make
sure that the children know that you disagree.
(Parents must, at all costs, be a TEAM. To not do so
damages the children and
teaches them to manipulate others.)
32) If one parent is too tough, the other parent should be
softer and tell the children not to
do what the tougher parent says.
(False. This leads to grown children who think that the
rules don't mean them.
They are good candidates for law-breaking and jail.)
33) Never let the children know why the parents got a divorce.
(Children need to know about the mistakes of their
parents when the children are
older so that they can learn by understanding the story
of the parents' lives. By
understanding what went wrong in the parents' marriage,
the children have a better
chance of doing something different.)
34) Love is a feeling that you either have or you don't. You
can't make it happen. If you
don't feel love any more4 there is nothing you can do
about it.
(Love comes from telling the truth, going through the
full range of emotions in any
given day, fighting to find out what you are doing wrong,
and hearing the message.
People then sexualize the relationship to bring it
closer. People who don't feel
connected in their relationships may confuse this with
feeling "in love. The absence
of connection is related to one of the four skills.
35) Relationships should be conflict-free. Frequent arguing
means the couple is
incompatible.
All couples are incompatible. This is what the
negotiation is about;--for a life-time.
Partners need to know HOW to disagree and how to resolve
conflict without
attacking each other.
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