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Licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist | ||
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When Children Lose a Mother
By: Susan Adams l0/l9/09
Objective: The objective of this
article is to highlight the particular
difficulties with losing a mother.
Summary: The loss of either parent is
traumatic for children. However, since mothers
are more often the primary caretakers of
children, such a loss can be particularly
devastating. Children are more apt to lose
their primary source of nurturing. Extended
family is very important, as is working to
establish as much continuity as possible for the
family.
Recently, a widower came to see me. His
wife had died tragically the year before and
left him with their five-year -old son. He was
desperate for help with the boy. The boy's
maternal grandparents had been close to their
son-in-law during their daughter's illness and
after she died they stayed close and cared for
the boy during the week while the father
worked. Dad felt pressed to be "independent"
and soon met and married a beautiful woman with
three grown daughters. She knew "all about
child raising"- he was doing it all
wrong-spoiling the boy--and, by the way, those
grandparents were taking up too much of
everyone's time--spoiling the boy more--needed
to visit less--and when did this father have
time for her? Therapy tried to strike some
balance and talk about the "best interests of
the child"--unfortunately, it was unsuccessful.
The father left therapy and placed the boy in
as much out of home care as possible. I was
very sad.
When children lose a mother, it is very
important to have as little change as possible.
It is best to keep them at home in familiar
surroundings, close to friends and other family
members. The children should feel as little
possible
that their world is crumbling. It may
be that boarding school gets considered
later-generally not before teens. However , it
is better to "go away" when the time is right
than to feel "sent away."
Then there is the difficulty of finding
the right person to run the house, care for the
children responsibly, and of course, provide a
great deal of affection. Where do you find such
a person if relatives can't fill the void?
Employment agencies may help, school
authorities, church personnel, or your local
pediatrician.
Some solo fathers of school-age children
manage without hired help. A relative or older
child takes charge after school and all the
children help with housework. This can foster a
real "community". Fathers of preschoolers may
put them in group day care, and hire an
afternoon helper.
You can't expect to find the perfect
person or to completely rely on anyone. Try to
be on hand as much as possible because no one
can provide the love,warmth, and interest that a
parent can. Encourage children to stay close to
grandparents and other relatives through letters
and visits. The sense of belonging to a "clan"
of aunts, uncles, and cousins has special value
for children.
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