When A Spouse Dies
By: Susan
Adams, Oct. l, 2009
This is an original Article written for MES and posted on my
web site
Objective: This article is designed to aid readers who have
lost a spouse to understand better what they are experiencing
and how to handle the issues that may arise.
Summary: A parent who must go forward alone because of the
death of a spouse is faced with all sorts of unfamiliar
responsibilities at a time of shock, grief, and mourning.The
grieving takes time to unfold, while the onslaught of
responsibilities keeps coming. This is a time when family
support is vital but must come from other adults and not the
children. Things are confused and can be quite chaotic. This
article is an attempt to bring some normalcy to the situation
and some guidelines for structure at a time when people often
feel out of control.
The death of a husband means that
his wife now has to manage all the family affairs, perhaps take
a job, seek financial assistance, or go to live with parents
again. The death of a wife means that her husband has to arrange
adequate care for children if there are any while he is at work,
and often has to cope with unfamiliar household duties as well.
Underlying those issues of a
practical nature, is the emotional turmoil that is likely going
on. While feeling most alone and in need of adult
companionship, a bereaved parent may be tied down by the care of
young children. For the sake of the children, he or she may
suppress any outward signs of grief and attempt to keep the
household running smoothly.
This puts a strain on both parent
and child. Silence and cover-up prevent everyone from dealing
with painful feelings of guilt about the deceased parent and the
loss and loneliness that goes with such a death. There are
often feelings of rejection and abandonment as well. The dead
parent has gone away and left others behind. The death of a
spouse arouses all these emotions in adults as well as children
but children experience these emotions much more intensely
because of their dependency on the parent. Their ideas about
death are often confused, as well.
Youngsters are much more likely to
imagine that they are in some way to blame when a parent
dies--just as in divorce. When a mother dies, for example, it
is critical for the father to talk with the children often about
their mother. The children need to be reassured that she didn't
leave them because she wanted to or because she had a choice.
The ongoing conversation about the mother also helps children
keep a sense of who their mother was as they grow. This is true
for losing a father as well. The surviving parent needs to keep
the memory alive in a matter-of -fact way so the children keep a
sense of their father as well. This means a sense of who the
lost parent was and was not so that the good that is left can be
internalized and the parts of that parent that were imperfect
can be let go.
A widowed mother sometimes feels
that she must fill a dual role with her children. She may work
all day only to come home in the evening and play ball with the
boys before fixing dinner and tackling homework. A better
suggestion would be to utilize extended family members if there
are any to help with meeting the children's needs and her own as
well. There are usually "Big Sister" and "Big Brother"
organizations in most communities.
this is important for all children
but most especially for teens who have lost their same-sexed
parent.
A woman who has lost her husband
runs a risk of making her girls as well as boys the sole focus
of her emotions. Men may do this too with daughters as well as
sons. The burden from the surviving spouse can be overwhelming
to the children and keep them from progressing normally toward
maturity and leaving home.
The adult in such a relationship
suffers as well. The parent should have friends and interests
with other adults. This is true in the present after the death
and also in preparation for the children who will go off,
hopefully, to make lives of their own.
Mothers who must continue alone,
need to do all they can to help children find a place among
other youngsters. The kids need plenty of playmates. They need
to see that mothers or fathers left alone, are rebuilding their
lives and putting things back together.
This is done while matter-of-factly,
keeping the memory of the lost spouse alive with the children.
We teach them that it is possible to move on and remember at the
same time.
When children get to be thirteen or
fourteen, the parent might look for ways to widen their
horizons. Summer jobs and camps are good vehicles for such
endeavors. Start talking about these ideas early so that
children can begin thinking about them.
When children have lost a mother it
is best to keep them close and in the bossom of whatever family
is available. This is said with the idea that mothers are
usually the nurturers who are closer to the children in terms of
time spent with them. This may vary but if often the norm. It
is not advisable to uproot any child, let alone a grieving
child, to place him or her in unfamiliar surrounding. The father
might utilize a family member or find someone who can take
charge after school. It is also important here if we are
talking about widowers, that the father spend time with the
children in the evenings to reassure them that he is interested
in them and has not left them as well.
So, while a father may need outside
assistance with the children, he needs to find ways to stay
close to them as well at the end of the day and in the evenings
just as a working mother would.
Issues of dating often eventually
arise as well. Many times the children become upset and balk at
the idea. They fear losing the memory of the deceased parent.
If it has been a reasonable amount of time--say at least a
year-the surviving parent may help the children find ways to
remember their mother or their father while the need to have a
life with new opportunities is explained to them by the
surviving parent.That parent might also ask the children if
there is anything that would help them adjust to this next phase
of life.
The issues that arise connected to
loss through a death can be overwhelming. However, with
patience and support, families can move thorugh this time
succesfully.
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