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Depression as a Factor in Post
Divorce Adjustment for Adults
By: Susan Adams 9/21/09
This article is an original
submission to MES and is only submitted to you--will appear on my
web site.
Objective: The objective of
this article is to identify some of the issues that can create
depression in post divorce adjustment and methods to ameliorate it.
Summary: A major issue in post
divorce adjustment relates to the support system. Unfortunately,
our society does not have rituals around marriages that end as it
does for deaths of family members and other life cycle transitions.
The family of origin and extended family members become key to
helping the family in transition.
Divorcing families certainly do not
receive the kind of support that families get when there is a
death. The natural sense of isolation is heightened by the frequent
awkwardness of friends who don't know what to say, are afraid of
taking sides, or are worried that "divorce" might be contagious.
There is also the tendency to people to want to socialize with
people like themselves. Therefore, married couples tend to
socialize with each other.
Thus, divorced adults are going to need
to find other adults in their situation who can relate
to their situation. Unfortunately,
married adults may fear that a single person may be a threat to
their marriage. Older children, especially, may look to peers who
have experienced divorce in their families. Parents can certainly
advocate for support groups in schools to help the process move more
quickly for their children. Adults can look for support groups in
religious venues. This covers the support issue emotionally and
also allows a newly divorced person to begin to make new friends and
share activities in a new climate.
Unfortunately, our society does not have
rituals to deal with the end of a marriage. Such rituals do help to
aid transition for families. With this in mind, families can make
their own creative rituals to help move ahead and "bury" the
unhappiness of the past while heading into the future and seeing the
new life as a "rebirth" of optimism.
Parents have to learn to be single
again. There is the process of initiating contacts with former
friends to find out "who is there for you" rather than whose taking
sides with whom.
This is the place for finding new social
groups as mentioned earlier.
Due to the isolation that families often
experience, they may turn inward to meet social needs. This can put
a lot of pressure on children to perform as inappropriately as
adults in the family in order to meet the needs of their parents.
This causes children to lose their childhood and closes off the
family system to outsiders.
Frequently, divorcing parents turn to
their family of origin for support. Thus, the children may get
closer to grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins than they were
prior to the divorce. The problem here is that in today's mobile
society, family members may not be close enough to offer the support
that is needed. On the other hand, communication is so much less
expensive and easier, creative methods can be used to bring extended
family "closer".
Parents will need to guard against the
natural tendency of the extended family to "take their side" and in
so doing disparage the other parent in front of the children. It
needs to be the role of parents to educate the extended family on
the need for the children to maintain the best possible relationship
with both their parents.
Part of ANY readjustment period when
depression may be an issue, is a good exercise program. The
exercise helps to keep the brain producing plenty of Serotonin which
is the chemical that allows for optimism. So, exercise, new social
groups, plenty of conversation with adults who can be supportive,
the creation of a ritual to signify that the family is moving on,
and the support of extended family should give the family adjusting
to a divorce a good foundation for the best start possible at a new
life.
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