|
Laying the Groundwork To Avoid
Troubled Teens
By: Susan Adams
9/l9/09
Objective: To provide parents
with some guidelines for keeping the connection to their children
once they become adolescence.
Summary: The road to
adolescence is paved early. It is important to instill the idea
early with children that parents are coaches and guides and can act
as help agents rather than punishers as children travel the road to
adulthood. This article gives parents some ideas
for helping to achieve this goal.
Many parents believe that their
function, once they have children, is to act as punishers and
perfecters of their children. This tends to make children secretive
as they grow. Punishing and scolding children teaches them that
parents are dangerous and that the path to freedom is to avoid
giving the parents information about their lives.
This results in children lacking the
guidance to learn to make good decisions because it cuts out the
opportunity for the child to ask for advice for fear of being
scolded or punished.
If you want your children to talk to
you, they must be raised in an atmosphere of calm and continuity.
That means that when you hear information that you don't like,
rather than reacting dramatically, you follow with a conversation
about the pros and cons of what you are hearing and a discussion of
how to make the best choice.
Logical consequences rather than
punishment keep you out of the anger of your child. "I wish that
you had finished your homework, then you would have time to go to
the movies"
is an example of logical consequences.
Make sure that you model good listening
behavior with your children if you want them to learn it. Listen to
them with respect. Make eye-contact with them and give them your
full attention.
It is important to answer children's
questions quickly and in an upfront and candid manner.
If you don'/t know the answer-and you
don't always have to know it, let him know that you will find out
the answer and get back to him. Then, do so. If you are someone who
always has to have the answer or must always be right, you teach
that to the child. Or, you teach him that he is never right and you
hurt his self-confidence.
Being respectful means that you are
mindful of the child's world. Pick your timing carefully to discuss
touchy subjects.
It is very important to allow children
to disagree. There may not be an option about compliance, but
allowing verbal disagreement is a form of respect. Children feel
more respect for parents when their objections are heard. The
permission to disagree shows children that we are strong enough be
challenged and big enough to back down if necessary.
Don't use sarcasm or ridicule with
children. Humiliating him teaches him to do this with others and is
a sign of disrespect. Also, allow children to express negative
feelings as well as positive. It is important for the child to know
that he can be accepted when he has "bad" feelings as well as good.
Be careful not to label children.
Those judgments and labels stick when, in fact, children are always
growing and changing. Children, like the rest of us, live up to or
down to our expectations. If you send the child negative messages,
it will hurt his self-concept and cause him to avoid giving you
information for fear of criticism. Raise children with praise.
Be praiseful especially for WHO they are
rather than What they do. Admire good intent even if the execution
of that good intent is faulty.
Expect that no matter how good a job you
do in the years before adolescence, there may still be periods in
your adolescence life when he or she refuses adult help. The
insecure side of the adolescent wants to feel safe and
protected--the adventurous side wants to grow up and do new things.
Continue to address your adolescent as a young adult and not a
young child. He will grow toward what you expect.
Don't give up! If you want your child
to listen to you, you must continue to be a model for him of that
same behavior. And remember, no matter what, to be a team with his
other parent. Failure to be a team teaches the child that he
doesn't have to listen and can do as he pleases.
|
10.jpg)