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Licensed Marriage
and Family Therapist |
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The Effect of Money on Marriage
By:
Susan Adams, M. Ed l0/l3/09
Objective: The objective of this article is to present a
discussion of how money affects relationships.
Summary: Money is seen as power by many people--he (or she) who
has it has the power and the partner without is is out of power. Too
much money or too little produces a negative effect on many
relationships. People marry with different priorities and expectations
about money. These need to be negotiated along with the other issues in
the marriage in order to avoid power struggles. This article seeks to
explain how money matters can become problematic and makes some
suggestions for keeping things more equal between couples.
Understanding and realistic expectations have strong effects on
family spending. Each marriage partner brings to the marriage certain
values about spending money. Sometimes these are generalized values,
such as putting money away for children's education versus traveling or
buying expensive clothes. Sometimes, the outlooks are more specific
like it is better to buy four pairs of fifty cent socks that can be
easily thrown away than to buy one pair of two dollar socks which may
last longer.
These culturally conditioned values are also modified by the
individual personalities of the partners.
Some marriage partners compulsively gamble and others worry
compulsively about having enough money. Some people get psychological
satisfaction out of spending while others get it through saving. For
there to be contentment in the marriage, there needs to be a great deal
of understanding about what money means to each partner. This comes
from having conversations with your partner about the meaning of
money--to the partner and in the family from whence the partner came.
After arriving, hopefully, at some understanding about how your
partner sees money, it is important to negotiate how the family will
spend. This is where the idea of "keeping the deal" comes in to play.
Marriages that work well are marriages in which people do make
agreements and keep them. So, once the money deals are made--to buy a
car or take a trip; to put money away for children's education or
retirement, these agreements need to be kept unless they are
re-negotiated.
Realistic expectations are important as well. Many bankruptcies
are brought about by people who buy too much on credit. Sometimes this
is a partner decision and sometimes it is the behavior of one partner
who spends out of control.
Sometimes the conflict in a marriage is fought over money. One
partner stays gone and working. The other partner, lonely and feeling
overwhelmed, spends the money as a replacement for the emotional support
of the partner. This can escalate into divorce. The fight can also
occur over alcohol and drugs with the money being the compensation for
the non-using partner.
Sometimes one spouse seeks power by wanting all the money and
doling out bits of it to the other partner. This makes the partner
without their own money, dependent and usually angry. I recommend to
couples that each partner have a certain amount of money monthly for
which they don't have to account. The amount is based on the budget.
When both couples work, everyone has some money of their own.
However, I don't believe that a marriage can be solidified unless money
is also shared in some form of joint account as well as whatever is
separate.
Sometimes a partner makes too much money. This may result in a
loss of goals and ambition and the idea that the individual who made the
money or the couple can live above the rules of society. Sometimes,
without the goals for which to strive, alcohol and/or drugs become a
problem, as bordom sets in and there is no longer any perceived reason
to get out of bed in the morning.
One of the most needed areas of realistic expectations for most
young marriages is the realization that spending patterns change as the
marriage goes along. The money needs are different right after the
wedding for many couples when they are accumulating things. This
changes when the children go off to school. Most couples recognize that
the greatest expense for families occurs when they go off to college.
Making use of that information and planning for that event may make the
difference between success and failure for many marriages.
Issues of money can make or break marriages. It is therefore
important to keep the money equalized and the spending negotiated
reasonably.
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